It was a fascinating experience to be both a traveler and a tourist in Colombia. Before this trip, I had forgotten there was a difference between the two! Now, I remember why being a traveler is worth the effort. A … Continue reading
Why would anyone need an awakening coach or therapist? Would connecting with one mean something is wrong with you, and you need to be “fixed”?
One idea of why we might need an attuned coach or therapist is based on John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory on child development. John Bowlby (1907-1990), a British psychologist, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, originally researched the attachment theory. Bowlby published many books in this lifetime and all worth reading. His colleague, Mary Ainsworth, completed extensive observational studies on infant attachments with primary caregivers. In their approach, they realized that an infant needs a secure relationship with a primary caregiver. If this relationship is not secure, it will not fulfill the child’s social and emotional development. This security is the basis needed for the toddler to grow and explore their surroundings. It allows us, as adults, to feel secure, enabling us to go out and explore the world without stress and anxiety, but instead with complete trust that we will be taken care of by life.
When we look at the chart of attachment types that I have posted, we will see ourselves in one, or maybe more than one, of the attachment types. It is rare to find an individual that fits totally into the secure attachment type.
If we fall into the insecure avoidant, insecure ambivalent, the insecure disorganized or a mixture of these styles, we were missing that consistently attuned primary caregiver. Having a consistently attuned primary caregiver being available would have installed in us the feeling of having a secure base, or safe haven during our first 3 years of life.
So how do we develop this feeling of having a secure base, or safe haven if it is not in our systems from our childhood? How can we change this for our future children and grandchildren? This change from one type of attachment to another does not happen overnight, it is a process. One of the ways to start is to work on moving to a secure attachment type, which takes having a secure base and a “safe haven person”. This person’s role is to be consistently attuned during sessions and to help develop trust. With an attuned coach or therapist, one can work though their old wounds and issues. The coach or therapist plays the role of the parent (original primary caregiver). Therefore, it needs to be an authority role instead of a love relationship role as peers.
We came into this planet needing to be taken care. We are products of our parents before us and their parents before them. It is like a giant wave and we are a ripple in the current. Why would we think that just because we are now adults that we need to do this alone? We need to develop a relationship with another person that becomes our so-called, “parent” to work though these issues, to heal them. We need to go back and make this connection of having a secure base with an authority figure. Then, when we learn to really trust in life, we become a secure attachment person in our relationships with others. What a gift to give to our children, grandchildren and the planet!